Journal October 2022

A Web of Intrigue

Recently, by myself, I met one old friend after 10 years of lost contact due to many things. Not least my own journey with #mentalhealth. Happily I have never been so self aware or so in control of my reactions. Neither of us care one jot of what others believe has happened to us. He is a Glaswegian who, from birth was involved in the drug scene. He was never detained in prison but relatives were. He is old school and so am I, more so because I am slightly older.

I will not tell his story but he has many stalwarts friends who plague him with their comparatively minor woes and when, in his strong Glaswegian idiom he communicates he hasn’t the headspace for others he means it and how. He means none harm has a good, if somewhat disordered family but they are close knit and self regulate in any crisis. In that we share common ground. We understand each others reactions better than others do but that’s really in many ways all that connects us.

Our minds are a web of intrigue, mysterious entities at times confusing to ourselves. Attempting to communicate is a dangerous one in a terrain which is a mix of minefield and maze and yet it can be amazing in extraordinarily sublimely devine ways. So can everyone’s when time to tatter or think is plentiful but just not now. Now the main task for both of us is to make time not find it. Now the answer to pleas for help has to be met with a firm unarguable ‘no’. He due to family illness, I due to moving and deciding to start a new business venture. We both want to make more time for each other but know that we can not just now, but we will because we are so determined to soon. He’s a bessie  mate, a pal, a rock and in many ways a silent gem of a hero.

We have both seen others soar to great heights, connecting with exceptional people from famous actors and film stars, rock and pop, classical arts, sport. You name it, between us and our friends we’ve travelled the globe many times. From Banksy to Cleo Laine, from the Red Arrows to folk who work with or have met NASA, world leaders, industry leaders our friends have risen while we, cheering them on, have been left behind. It’s just our time now is all. For what hasn’t killed us will make us stronger in the end… for you.

The one major hiccup is assumptions coupled with panic and paranoia. It’s a dangerous combination, it can lead to psychosis as can cannabis and other illegal substances which these days get mixed with other things to either get people hooked on nasties like heroin or worse, or can lead to date rape (both genders, all ages and orientations and disabilities) and/or every form of bullying, abuse and terrorism. It’s the same story on anything, excess in anything, even an antibiotic will cause you harm. So know your limits.

Paranoia

Someone’s told on all I did
I’m now exposed on what I hid
Someone’s sent out word to all
Now no visits, no missives no calls.

Someone’s shopped me, but what for?
Shrinks and bailiffs at my door?
Someone’s I’ll from what I said
And it’s my fault that they’ll be dead.

Someone’s forgotten to do that or this
Because it was me that was remiss
Someone’s cursing at my name
Cos somehow I’m the one to blame.

Someone’s choosing for a whim
My every sorrow, every sin.
Someone’s watching my every deed
Everything I write, all that I read.

Someone’s told them and that’s the key
I now suspect that someone’s me.

Paranoia, quite simply starts with you and who you choose to believe. Lies will circle the universe before you learn to make a shoelace of what’s true to gun them down these days. Be careful out there because no one can be there 24/7 just now. Remain patient and calm and above all find things that bring you joy and peace.